Nautilus; Feb 2016 after no longer being a tree

[pineapplesalmon]

One doesn't just immediately recover from no longer having the existential threat of becoming a tree over their head. You don't forget what it was like to be afraid of your own body whenever you were naked. You don't forget banishing all the mirrors around you and making the glass around you non-reflective. You don't stop being greedy for every bit of physical contact that you had missed out on for months.

Caesar would wake up alone. Tadashi was always a call over the network away, but it didn't feel right. They couldn't sit on the same bed and talk or share a cup of hot chocolate. What he needed was Tadashi's presence, but he could never really be there for him.

They were supposed to sleep separately still with Hiro needing Tadashi to be in their room, but that wasn't what happened this night. It was his first first night being normal again, and his first night rejoined with the rest of humanity. Neither Caesar nor Tadashi had wanted to do anything besides have the knowledge that the other was alive sleeping next to them.

Even that hadn't been enough to calm Caesar's mind. What if it really wasn't over? What if it came back? But he couldn't stay away from everyone for even a moment longer...

The nightmares that were his constant visitors these last few months are still here. Eventually he starts stirring and murmuring in his sleep. He startles awake without more preamble, eyes flying open with a gasp as his arm tightens around Tadashi's waist.

Comments

[anewangle]

No one could be expected to recover so quickly from what's happened. To forget the fear and helplessness that lingered for so long. Tadashi certainly won't. Life was different for too long, and will continue to be different going forward. Holiday House is changed, and that's something they're all going to have to adapt to.

Obviously Tadashi's parallel experience doesn't quite compare to what Caesar's been through, but it's taken a toll even so. He's tired and, for at least this one night? The comfort of knowing Hiro is safely asleep just across the way and the presence of Caesar, warm and breathing by his side is enough to let him sleep. He's deep enough in his own dreamless slumber that Caesar's minor stirring doesn't immediately wake him, but the other man's sudden gasp and tightening grip startles Tadashi awake as well. One hand automatically moves for Caesar's where they're clasped around him, obviously a bit muzzy as he tries to get his bearings.

"Caesar?"

[pineapplesalmon]

Caesar certainly hasn't. It will take time to recover... and likely therapy. Which he can properly look at again now that he's not actively dying. But the wider effects have yet to be known.

Guilt forms a pit in Caesar's stomach, his mind tiredly recycling Rex telling him off for keeping Tadashi awake with his nightmares. And how, for a second, he had tried to put himself first before Hiro. He's forever regretted it.

And now he regrets having spent the night with Tadashi, even if—

Warm spreads across his hand as their rings touch, and the thoughts stop.

They're alive. They're together again. He can this one night before moving back to his bedroom.

"Nightmare," he says quietly. "I didn't mean to wake you. Sorry."

[anewangle]

Everyone has regrets. Tadashi has them, too. The way they nearly handled things with Hiro is just one of the most recent, and older ones... well, he doesn't like to think much on some of those. He can't fix them any more than being in Nautilus already does, and so he accepts that maybe there'll just always be that subtle weight in his chest and does his best to carry the lessons learned forward.

But right now? He sure doesn't regret right now. Even in his still-waking state, the warmth spreading over his hand brings a smile to his face, though it's tinged with the beginnings of concern as he shifts inside Caesar's arms to better face him.

"S'alright." Some of his hair's been flattened down to stick on his forehead and one cheek has strange impressions on it from the wrinkles in the pillowcase. "You okay?"

[pineapplesalmon]

Regrets suck.

Caesar thinks about lying and saying he's fine so he doesn't keep Tadashi up. Then, Tadashi turns around to face him properly. His gentle concern breaks through any shield Caesar could hope to erect around his heart. He's so captivated by Tadashi's eyes (they're beautiful, even in the darkness) that he doesn't notice the state of the rest of him.

All the tenseness sinks out of Caesar's body and expression, replaced by fond wonder. "You're too good to me. I'm supposed to let you sleep. Rex got on me about that...."

That's an I'm not okay said in Caesar's usual roundabout fashion, including him trailing off. He tries to avoid mentioning Rex as much as he can, but there's a reason for it this time. Caesar's just not sure what that reason is yet.

[anewangle]

Caesar, you incredible sap... but it'd be a lie to say that's not part of why Tadashi loves him. He can be a lot sometimes, but it's all pure, honest affection, and who could ever be upset about that?

"Pretty sure we already talked about that." He snuggles in a little closer, more awake by the second and fixing Caesar with those big, concerned eyes. "You wanna talk about this?" It's not as if Tadashi doesn't have an idea of what this nightmare might've been about, but it's up to Caesar make the decision to share.

[pineapplesalmon]

He never realized how lovestruck he could be until he fell in love with Tadashi. The other man was so sweet and so kind that Caesar has no defense against him. Caesar can't throw up a wall of guilt to end the conversation when Tadashi's right in front of him, especially now that he's hearing that gentle voice.

Caesar finally smiles, soft and tender, before closing the distance between them to kiss Tadashi on the lips. It's longer than most of his chaste kisses as Caesar needs the moment to relish that they can kiss again rather than delaying the inevitable. Opening up to Tadashi is inevitable.

"You make it impossible to not open my heart, Mister Hamada."

[anewangle]

Tadashi meets Caesar in the middle, happy to provide Caesar what he needs. What they both need, honestly. Things were so dire for so long it was hard to imagine they would ever have this again. Tadashi never gave up hoping (of course he didn't), but sometimes... well, some moments were harder than others.

Yep, Tadashi needs this, too.

He's smiling when Caesar pulls back again. "I try, Mister Salazar." He reaches to pull one of the other man's hands from around him to in front, kissing the knuckles briefly before just holding it to his chest. "So." It's not a true question, more of a prompting. He's here, he's not going anywhere, it's okay.

[pineapplesalmon]

Moments like this loosen the grip of harder memories. His muscles go weak from Tadashi kissing his hand just like his father used to do to his mother, and his heart warms further. Safety. Protection. Caring.

All of his walls come down. How can he deny Tadashi after everything they've been through together? By letting Tadashi help him, he helps Tadashi feel needed.

"So... it was about... what just happened. All of us were affected. We had a cure, but we only had enough for one person." His voice has shifted to something more blank, more monotone, steeling himself against emotion. "So of course Hiro got it. I watched you die. Held you and Hiro in my arms. I died with Hiro screaming at me for not saving you until he was screaming for me to not leave him, too...."

Caesar swallows. "As my vision faded, I saw Rex come into the room and right behind him was...."

[anewangle]

Oof, that's about what Tadashi expected. Well, that the nightmare was about recent events at least. It's... well, he wouldn't want to call it predictable, but none of the elements Caesar describes surprise him. They're not that far of from a few of the nightmares he's had himself over the past few weeks, though from a different point of view, and it takes some effort to keep his concerned expression from dipping to plain distress. It was a dream, and not even his own. Now's not the time.

Tadashi's eyebrows furrow as Caesar's tone shifts and he brings his other hand into the works, cupping Caesar's gently between both of his own, thumbs rubbing gentle little shapes into the other man's skin. Soft reminders that he's not alone here in any sense of the word.

Caesar trails off and Tadashi give him a moment, but then quietly prompts him to continue. "Was...?"

[pineapplesalmon]

Tadashi touch get Caesar past that emotional hump.

"Were... now that I think more on it. Others from before your time were there." Caesar breaks eye contact and sighs. "... but it's better to discuss them in the morning. Otherwise neither of us will sleep."

He looks back up to Tadashi. "I will tell you, though—or rather, I'll show you. I promise."

[anewangle]

Tadashi blinks, mild surprise briefly visible in his expression. Nautilus has been in existence for longer than Tadashi knows, and it's not as if he didn't know there were others living in Holiday House with the Salazars before Tadashi and Hiro came along, but there hasn't been much talk about them. It never seemed like a great subject to bring up without prompting. Too much potential pain when navigating the memories left behind by those who went back to Sleep, and not his business unless those still here choose to share.

"... If you're sure." Tadashi still looks concerned, but like he's not going to press the issue just now. If Caesar says he'll tell him tomorrow, then that's good enough. "I'm here either way."

[pineapplesalmon]

"I did a lot of thinking when you weren't with me," Caesar expression turns to one of sorrow. "You accepted that ring from me and stayed by my side through one of the worst times of my life. You... you deserve to know more about me. About those that once lived here. And how they mattered."

Especially if Caesar falls Asleep and then someone who needs him finds he isn't there.

"But I'd rather tell you about them with what's left behind. Objects, videos, words. I want them to be more real."

It seems Caesar's forgotten his distress. This is more important. Keeping their memories alive.

[anewangle]

Caesar, you gotta stop making such sad faces. Except don't actually stop because Tadashi always wants Caesar to be honest about his emotions, but expressions like that sure do make it hard to lay there and listen when all he wants to do is pull the man into a tight hug. So he waits until Caesar is finished before he nods, a warm little smile turning up the corners of his mouth.

"Remembering is important. Telling the stories helps." He lets go of Caesar's hand only to wind his arms around the older man's waist, nudging them both even further into each other's space. "If you're ready and willing... I'd like that."

[pineapplesalmon]

If you want him to stop such sad faces, you need to smile softly at him like that more often. Caesar manages a soft smile back, even through his pain. The only reason he hadn't thought of himself with a man was a perceived lack of tenderness.

He knows now he had nothing to fear; Tadashi drawing him close only reminds him of this. Caesar settles in closer, resting only his upper arm over Tadashi as to not disturb Tadashi's hug.

"I'd like that, too," Caesar is surprised by himself. "... that was easier than I thought. I must finally be ready."

[anewangle]

Consider it done. The smile supply has been a bit lacking lately, but with the worst of things hopefully behind them Tadashi can start building up a buffer again.

"Things always seem simpler in hindsight, but that doesn't discount the work it takes to get there." He gives Caesar a squeeze and looks up at him, fighting down a yawn as he does so. "I'm proud of you."

[pineapplesalmon]

It's a buffer Caesar's going to need for tomorrow. Or later today, more precisely. He's missed moments like this.

"I won't discount it; brains are just strange when it comes to emotions," Caesar smile reaches his eyes properly. "And don't you discount the work you did to help me open up my heart. You should be proud of yourself, too."